the screwed up mind of a teenage band geek

mcrnlprmylife @ 2009-07-27T11:10:00

2009-07-27T15:33:20Z

there's this story writing it's self in my head. WHen I close my eyes to sleep at night it keeps going. When I'm at work and stuck in my head I evolve the characters and the story...Do I write it down? WOuld it get out of my head then. It all started out as a bad dream I kept having now the faces have morphed into strangers and it isn't something that hurts anymore. I am honestly intrigued to what could happen...It's like I don't have the say what happens though..it kinda tells me what is supposed to happen.

I know it sounds dumb...but it's always in my head. oh well. Maybe that'll be my newest project.

it's something else to think about. I think somethings wrong with me. I mean honestly.I get completely over whelmed with this cold and lonely feeling even though I'm surrounded by people. I keep seeing myself taking all my money out of my bank accounts and using it for gas money to drive as far away as I can and well... yeah. I just feel like I constantly need reassurance and it annoys the hell out of me..so I'm sure it annoys everyone else. I'm afraid I'm going to lose more people because of it. It was too much for Sam and it's been made all to clear that it's getting to be too much for my current significant other. It scares me. Just like allisse did me I'm afraid that any efforts I've made in the past to be a good person will be forgotten because when I mess up all that fades away. I don't really have staying power. I wish I did but I know that my memories vanish before my foot steps can even grow cold. And the girl in this daydream of mine is kind of the same way maybe thats why she interests me. Because this situation she finds herself in is something I think is very likely to happen to me. who knows it may be a premonition. huh. just a thought.

mcrnlprmylife @ 2009-07-21T23:16:00

2009-07-22T03:25:31Z

i wonder if people expect me to stay in my walking mat position.
I told allisse I needed to move out because I can't afford it and she acts like I am out to destroy her. She has discarded all items of our friendship like they were nothing.
Part of me is heart broken and part of me is furious. For the same reason. I took her into my home for three years and when she asked me to get an apartment with her I tried. our entire friendship I gave her anything and everything she wanted.

I didn't know that by doing one thing for myself, because I needed to would add up to me "taking everything away" from her.

fuck her

I wish I could just stand up for my own needs with out people acting like I'm out to get them. I always do what everyone else wants, always. It's what I've built my life around I guess. And the moment I break that pattern to salvage a shred of sanity for myself I get attacked and made to feel like an asshole.

oh sigh.

On a lighter note I do think that the wife and I are making a lot of progress. I do think she is trying to keep me happy and I have continued to try and make her happy. We love eachother and that is all too evident. she's my life, she always has been and if she lets me she always will be.

Sonnet III

2007-11-15T22:15:12Z

Now watch as I lose it, my mind, my will
Watch close, it should be all you thought it would
All I have left is pain I wish to kill
To save myself, I tried what all I could

Faith left, now I lack brawn to pull me through
I am so weak I try to find ways out
I am broken, for that I can thank you
Never,thought I, would I have so much doubt

I should just try to fix what you have trashed
But I now lack the will even to try
The high on life you gave, is now but crashed
I guess that I will not sit back and cry

For now I will pick up myself and go
I just thought that of this you should now know..

did sonnets and English...thought it's be fun to write my own...

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-12-19T15:17:00

2005-12-19T20:23:10Z

OBSERVATION 1: If the claim of love is there, relationship STILL isn't hard to "replace"

OBSERVATION 2: "Love" means nothing

OBSERVATION 3: People suck.

But I think you all already knew this, some more than others.

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-12-12T08:57:00

2005-12-12T13:58:45Z

just a used plaything
thrown across the room
after being toyed with
maybe it's better that way

yet another way to waste two minutes of your life

2005-11-28T21:35:38Z

*shakes head and sighs*

that's all I can say about anything anymore...I don't know where I stand with..anyone really and it's starting to hurt. Quite a bit too..I tried SO hard yesterday to find something some what likable about myself and I realized that what I like about me are the same things that make it OH SO EASY for every one to walk over me then I had to yell at myself for being negative and selfish..does wonders for the self esteems doesn't it? ick
Fuck people
Fuck hypocrisy
Fuck Cadet Beresford
Fuck CAP
Fuck it all

good news?.. two months on Friday... thats good news right? well fuck you I think it's good news :P

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-11-13T17:44:00

2005-11-13T23:02:11Z

at the end of my last entry I stated that "tomorrow will be better" I have never been more wrong about anything in my life! within less than a month some of my worst fears were met. ick..

well i don't wish to talk about them..so i won't i will talk about this week.

i got to see Mijana three times in one week..which doesn't usually happen. Friday was BOA which was hella cool lol Sam and i came up with two new words 'droolgasm" and "joygasm" and during avons show I joygasmed about seven times and droolgasmed once..that was a VERY good show..there was a group that did a Queen show which lead to a couple of joygasms..lol that's such a fun word..yesterday Sam came over and we played DDR..for five hours..then we went to samantha's house and watched young frankenstien and started phantom of the opera (Sam let me borrow it and it's AMAZING!) lol poor Sam had to put up with me from 12:30 to almost 11..lol I straightened his hair and it looked really cool. Mijana came over at like 3 i didn't get to see her for very long and i was VERY bummed out that my mom was in the next room. She's upset I don't beleive in love.. I wish i did but I can't force myself to start beleiving in somthing I watched die in front of me. I guess i DO beleive in it..I just have very little faith in it.
and finally that brings me to today i did yard work and now i'm watching Steven's bird fight itself in the mirror.
well that's all for now.

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-10-16T17:06:00

2005-10-16T22:52:49Z

"How long, O lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

look on me and awnser, O lord my god.
Give light to my eyes, or i will sleep in death; my enemy will say 'I have over come him,' and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing lovemy heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the lord, for he has been good to me."

---Psalms 13:1-6

Psalms in an exellent book of the bible..all songs. and it's creepy how close to home that verse hits...but slowly the light is comingback into my life.

This morning i went to church..it was teen sunday and the teens all took over the music, Donny's band "fire from heaven" played four songs, some girl I had never seen before (her name was Kaitlyn)played violin during offering, Katie played Fur Elise on the piano (beautifully I might add) and I sang Intervention divine. After I sang some one stood up and read that verse (Psalms 13) because he found it fit for the song (
click here for lyrics to it )

it was really somthing.

Mijana came with me.. lol and fire from heaven kind of recruited her. the second time at my church and she has the courage to stand up infront the congragation and sing like it's nothing! I couldn't discribe how beautiful she looked up there, closing her eyes, kind of smiling, tapping her foot to the music..I didn't even try to hide the way I looked at her. I didn't like how I had to hide the fact I was holding her hand during the lesson.

I think I realized while they were practicing just how hard I was falling for her, even as I'm typing this there's a huge grin on my face.

I love being with her around the band cause I don't really have to hold anything back. last night she came to the hauted house she was in the hallway right next to me, this made me very happy and... we were acused of making out about four times..we weren't.. but it was alot of fun. well..I guess I don't have much more to say....

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-10-14T23:02:00

2005-10-15T04:09:11Z

I find it kind of funny that the day I decide that love is merely a chemical reaction...My heart races at a thousand beats a second cause I saw her. even dressed as a wigger she takes my breath away. I love the way everything gets peaceful when you're around and how you make me feel of some kind of importance. Mijana, you are quite wonderful.

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-10-09T22:00:00

2005-10-10T03:00:20Z

Today was quite amazing...Mijana came over around 3:30 and just left a few minutes ago. we watched the first ten minutes of american pie two..then we switched to Muppet Treasure island lol. we had a sticker fight, which I still have all over my face. we were lying on my floor listening to my "sleep music" which is a crap load of slow songs, I felt bad cause I just broke down and started bawling when "it's getting better all the time" came on. but we had our sticker fight right afterwards so it was okay.

I just read her last LJ entry and it deffinetly made me smile..I'm glad she is comfortable with me I mean I still don't understand what she sees in me but hell I ain't complaining..I am very lucky....

I hope I can make her happy.

*~*~***~*~*~*~***~*~*~*~~~~***~~*~*~*~
flying without wings (beautiful song..)

Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
a simple line can make you laugh or cry
You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
and when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So impossible
as it may seem
You've got to fight
for every dream
'cause who's to know
which one you let go
would've made you complete

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
to watch the sunrise on your face
to know that i can say I love you
in any given time or place
its the little things that only I know

Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
'Cause you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings

And you're the place my life begins
and you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring

I'm flying without wings

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-10-08T23:11:00

2005-10-09T04:31:19Z

Take me as I am
I'm not the small child that was once so niave
I'm not the social butterfly beleiving noone WANTED to hurt me
I'm not the all american girly girl you had planned on
I'm not a straight A student
I'm not a jocky chick
I'm just me
I may not be everything you had wanted
but you're stuck with me
just as I'm stuck with you
I try to look past your faults
but it's so hard when you won't stop bitching about mine
so take me as I am
that's all I can be.

ugh. I don't understand..she goes through and reads my LJ so she read the bif F U I wrote about her before but she still feels the need to make me feel like I'm such a bad person. I'm just me and I don't know what else she wants from me. hell I'm who I am mostly becuase of her. when you break it down come on, who else could have made me distrust people the way I do, who else could make me hold so much hurt and anger inside..I'm not who I am just cause. I am who I am because of the people I've met and eventually been betrayed by, because of the constant yelling and cursing and backstabbing I was raised around. heredity is a bitch. both of my grand fathers are alcoholics, both grandmothers have diabetes and just about everyone on my dads side of the family either has some kind of depression or social anxiety disorder..and sucky hair. she fucking decides that since I have prior commitments and would rather not fight with aaron all night so I don't go to a dinner with them I'm pathetic. damn she could think it but she doesn't have to tell me about it for ten minutes. I haven't even talked to her since I got home. I don't want to either luckly the family's coming over tomorrow so I can avoid her most the day.

It just hit me today that I'm a quiet person. I mean people tell me I;m quiet but I'm like yeah right. but I thought about it and the thing is I;m so scared of saying somthing stupid or hurtful or bitchy that I don't say much of anything. I have the annoying tendency to say the exact wrong thing when I don't process it long enough.and besides I'm so used to all the damn voices in my head going off I can't disinguish what I said from what I thought about saying. *shrug*

okay well..I'm done bitching, I apologize for being such a negative person but I can't help it when I;m pissed I write I swear I DO have good days I know I should be thankful for what I do have and I really Im..but some times gettting stuff out of your system feels better.

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-29T06:58:00

2005-09-29T12:06:31Z

I woke up this morning to "Probably wouldn't be this way" which is offically the most deppressing song on earth. *sigh* when did things get so hetic...seventh grade was good I had Zack I had good grades I KILLED at swimming I had friends..then after that I watched my life turn on me and I haven't quite got it back. I decided I'm not good with showing certain emotions..I suck at showing anger cause I end up feeling guilty and I suck at letting people know EXACTLY how I feel... when I want to so bad..This brings us back to prolly wouldn't be this way..everytime I hear it I remember hearing it from her normally that makes me smile but this morning that wasn't the case...I think I hurt her and that's the last thing I would EVER want to do.. I'm not one to like more than one person at a time but this is different..I think. this blows.

Four years...

2005-09-29T02:24:04Z

Has somthing ever been a HUGE part of your life
Yet you didn't realize just how Important it was
until you sat down and thought about it
Four years ago, about this time of year
My older brother drug me to some church
I had little faith in people who went to church
They were all so fake
and had no intentions of joining one
I would of never of thought
that four years later, I'd be vice teen leader
That I would never intentionally miss a night
that everyone I went out with had to meet my "church family"
That my faith would be so strong yet fragile at the same time
That for three hours every week I would really examine my life
I've been through so much with that church
Every year holds traditions I will never break
the trips to brown county
the rummage sales with Donnie and Brandon
Writing down praises and prayer request
noticing how many more request than praises
Michael constantly asking to sing Jingle bells
even in the middle of July
Me and Ali almost falling asleep to "country lovin'"
on our way home every week
I've seen people change so much over the years
friends who used to be practically joined at the hip with me
Now won't even look my way in halls
Boyfriends that would tell hold me so close in the van
now wouldn't come near me
There's been a whole new wing has been added
we've been in four different rooms
We've had weeks with just two of us
we've had weeks with about twenty
I got to preach for the first time there
I learned how to play the end of the entertainer
on the out of tune piano
I've watch Jeff and Bri grow closer there
But most importantly I found a whole new family
People who, though they constantly tease me, really care
a Place where no matter how mad I am at the world, comforts me

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-28T16:00:00

2005-09-28T21:00:32Z

Some one needs to explain the rules of life to me cause I think I missed somthing....

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-27T22:40:00

2005-09-28T03:42:46Z

Tonight was great I had so much fun..she's pretty amazing..and if things go right I'll get to see her the next two nights as well.

over the summer I devloped quite the crush on some one..and I still think she's one of the greatest people I've met, but there was no chance of it working out..I guess that's why I'm so excited about this one cause she's also amazing it's pretty cool cause I like her more and more everytime I talk to her and being around her tonight was really somthing..and I dunno maybe I actually have a chance this time... well I'm off to bed.... I will probably write more tomorrow.

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-25T09:35:00

2005-09-25T15:13:17Z

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wish I was too dead to cry.
My self-affliction fades.
Stones to throw at my creator.
Masochists,
To which I cater.

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther.
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'till it bleeds.

Wish I was too dead to care,
If indeed I cared at all.
Never had a voice to protest,
So you fed me shit to digest.
I wish I had a reason;
My flaws are open season.
For this I gave up trying.
One good turn deserves my dying.

You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther.
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'till it bleeds.

Wish I'd died instead of lived.
A zombie hides my face.
Shell forgotten with its memories.
Diaries left,
With cryptic entries.

And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther.
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'till it bleeds.
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be.
I'll keep slipping farther.
But once I hold on,
Once I hold on,
I'll never live down my deceit...

Stone Sour- Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jeesh this morning I woke up really tense.. the voices in my head didn't want to shut up last night they were like "yeah well she fucking hates you now" "God since she was already a cutter she might just kill herself" "Wow he's a wreck..and you kept rejecting him..what a bitch" " If you don't make a move you might miss your chance" "yeah he tasted like an ashtray didn't he?" God they could of at least been talking about the same person...they were driving me insane I didn't get to sleep for hours..I'm geting better at blocking them out. they aren't bugging me right now..bastards prolly ran out things to say...

anyways...after I got over the overwhelming Emo crap I realized that the party last night was prety cool..I couldn't play truth or dare with them cause on the side of the house they were playing to avoid ashley's mom was facing my parents bedroom window but that's okay cause I didn't want to make out with anybody.. I just made a dork out of myself by head banging in the strobe light with kyle and steven... then there were the games of keep away.. with my shoes but t was really alot of fun. Right and I found out one of my chick friends has a crush on me..which is odd cause we've been really close friends for two years now but she already has a boyfriend and I like someone else so that's not somthing I have to deal with just yet. hmm so I'm done bitching for now..I'm sure there will be more later..there always is.

EMO NIGHT

2005-09-25T02:55:27Z

The hardest thing I ever had to do...
I had to look him in the eye and say
"You know it's yours right?"
I saw saw his heart break through his eyes
I saw him run to be by her side
I watched them talk about what they could do
I watched her walk away
screaming that she couldn't take the pain
I heard him begging her not to
I yelled at her and told her that would be selfish
She broke down right in front of me
He's got to be hurt
the girl that kept rejecting him
was the one that had to say
you're fifteen and gonna be a dad
She's got to be scared
at fifteen she's gonna be a mom

what an intresting night.......

everyone biggest secrets came out
you know like every single you didn't want anyone to know was put out there
it's like some one intensified all your flaws..but they didn't care
we were quite the group
The addict
the expecting parents
the cutter
the heartless
the smokers
the poser
the one who just tries to damn hard
..and the birthday girl

damn what a night..what a fucking night....

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-23T21:51:00

2005-09-24T02:52:59Z

okay..not at rocket school..wrong weekend...oops my bad...

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-23T15:42:00

2005-09-23T20:52:02Z

Yeah so I;m going to rocket school for the weekend..I;ll be back sunday afternnon or early evening so if you want me to call you when I get home E-mail me or something...

Kinda looking forward to this weekend I know I'll end up think about..someone.. quite a bit but it doesn't really bother me..

Hmm.. was there a point in writing this..no guess not... so I guess I'm done....

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-23T04:57:00

2005-09-23T12:01:15Z

I'm really tired..but hell I was on the phone 'till like one so it's to be expected..But trust me it was WELL worth it. yeah well I have to go to school..then I get to come home and talk to her again..then rocket school.

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-21T22:00:00

2005-09-22T03:11:37Z

For the first time in a really long time I don't know what I want outta life. Normally I have some kind of plan but I'm a little lost. I mean "personal" life I know who/what I want.. lol two actually.... but I mean other than that I don't know what's going on.. latley the religion I grew up with is slowly fading out..I still beleive in and worship christ but there's some stuff that's a little blurry... I don't know what's going to damn me, or what I'm "aloud" to do and it sucks... normally I live my life and don't think God's gonna hate me for it but it's different now. *sigh*

With going to church I spend time with Alison she's one of my closest friends.. but ever since I told her I was bi it's different. At first she told me I was going to hell then she just stopped talking to me now she walks on eggshells around me she's afraid to offened me or somthing I don't like it when people just don't say what's on their minds if you think it and want to say it, say it damn it.

Istep isn't that bad...it makes me feel smart ^-^.. I hate math but most of it was really easy. I also realized that freshman year is gonna hold a lot of first...I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.

well I'm going to bed.

EDIT: I got bored and followed the link to this quiz thingy off Ciara's LJ

Your Ultimate Purity Test 2.0 Score Is...
	Your Score:	Average For All Users	Average For All ( total)
Dating	30.77%	33.19%	Dated seriously
Self-Lovin'	72.73%	61.68%	Master of your domain
Shamelessness	88.71%	78.08%	Has yet to see self in mirror
Sex Drive	88.1%	76.19%	Monks are envious
Straightness	81.48%	40.79%	Just go fuck something, okay?
Gayness	88.89%	79.58%	Repressed, are we?
Submissive	98.41%	87.97%	Submits to no one... almost
Fucking Sick	97.96%	90.42%	Refreshingly normal
Dominant	100%	87.59%	Afraid to cross at "Don't Walk" signs
Total Score	87.26%	74.59%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test 2.0 and see how you match up! (By The Ferrett)

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-20T06:55:00

2005-09-20T12:02:10Z

So yeah..sorry anyone who reads these things for spazzing out. the things is the guy one of my really close friends lost her virginity to asked me out last night... hmmm that looks worse written out than I thought it would. well anyways what happened with them was they went out for like 6 months and "did it" a few weeks later they broke up he said he never really loved her..and I don't want to be used like that. if that helps explain anything....

right so needless to say I went to bed pretty stressed out last night but I took a bubble bath and prayed.. a lot..and when I woke up this morning I felt kind of at peace..like God finally heard me out and gave me the peace of mind I've been asking for, for so long. now that I'm "at peace" I get to take Istep.... -_- oh well.

well off to test.... oh joy.

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-19T22:08:00

2005-09-20T03:21:57Z

I would love to think that there was something different about me..something that would make it some what of a challenge to use me then toss me aside but hell what do I know. I've been thinking about it a lot and I've noticed a very annoying pattern. There are so many people who will look me right in the eye and say that I mean something to them or that "no matter what I'll always love you" and I believe them...god for some one who hates stupid people I'm pretty dumb.

Sorry dwelling on the past... I was sitting on the stairs, studying and all the sudden a thousand memories came to me..things that happened right there on the steps I was sitting on. I remembered Zack and I siting there in the dark his arm around me and whispering that he loved me and always would into my ear. I remember Travis swearing almost everyday that he would never hurt me... but both of them crushed me...I don't just lay my heart out on the line.. I try not to say "here's my heart you can break it if you want" to much..but I'm naive and believe it when someone pretends they care....

Maybe I am just another stupid fourteen year old.

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-19T06:54:00

2005-09-19T12:05:21Z

yeah so yesterday was awesome..hmm not gonna say much more about that... but it was deffinetly note worthy

I would of wrote last night but I spaced an english essay and then I finished Sleepers..again. I love that book. I respect Lorenzo Carcaterra (I don't know if I spelled that right) so much, see Sleepers is based on a true story, HIS story. Him and his really close friends get in trouble for a prank gone wrong and have to go to a juvinlle center were they are beat, raped and practically tourtured for a year. It completly changed who they were, it turned two into stone cold killers and the other two into emotionally vunrable shells of men. But they get their revenge and that's what I respect. I've read that book so many times it's almost pathetic, the movie's good two ^_^. well I'm off to another sucky sucky day at school

mcrnlprmylife @ 2005-09-18T10:57:00

2005-09-18T16:14:26Z

YOu'd be lieing to yourself if you said you really knew me
which sucks for you cause it's kind of your job to do just that
being who you are you should know how I feel about people, school and just life
when you come home you ask me how my day was
and actually wait to hear what I have to say
HOw much longer are you going to around thinking that I'm a social butterfly
or that all those damn scars are from the cat
or that I enjoy living this life
you're so wrong about so many thing
and you don't even care to find out what's really there
When are you going to see that I'm not every other teenage girl
I don't hang out with my friends every saturday night
My knees don't go weak when some poser with a guitar comes on the radio
I don't have the same damn inocence I should
I know that my own family talks bad about me behind my back every time I'm gone
If you know there's somthing wrong you're showing no intrest
then again you'd actually have to carry on a conversation with me to know that wouldn't you
So let me know when I'm done being just a stranger in your house
Let me know when you're done pretending everythings okay
but just hope I'm willing to come out from behind the wall you have built between us

Fuck.